I Wish all Children were Blessed with a Childhood Filled with Play, Love, and Running Water

One day a Haitian woman with her 5 yr. old Sofia came to my home to two-strand twist my hair for the first time. The visit was going really well because my daughter Z. Mulenga had someone to play with and my hair was being twisted in peace. After dancing and listening to music and watching "The Wiggles", Sofia said she needed to use the bathroom. Z. Mulenga led her to the half-bath and left her there to use it privately. I didn't hear the toilet flush and I didn't hear the water running afterward so I told Sofia to please wash her hands and asked Z. Mulenga to show her how to flush the toilet. Z. Mulenga refused, but Sofia did wash her hands. At one point during their visit, I brought out my daughter's puzzle that consists of about 20 different boys and girls dressed like various people. Each person is divided into 3 puzzle pieces - so 3 pieces for the ballerina, 3 for the fireman, 3 for the doctor, etc. The puzzle is easy enough for my 3-yr.-old to do alone. Based on Sofia's reaction to the puzzle pieces, I gathered she had not seen a puzzle before. No big deal. She's not the only child that I've met who hadn't played with a puzzle before. I tried showing her how to put the pieces together, but she just couldn't seem to grasp the concept. When I put the pieces side by side so she could easily lock them, she did not know what to do. To make matters worse, her mom started ridiculing her (I'm assuming out of embarrassment) and repeating to her, "Sofia, tú no sabes, tú no sabes tus colores, tú no sabes." She then tried to show her how to put the pieces together by placing the pieces one of top of the other - which is also incorrect. I wanted to tell her to be quiet and stop telling her she doesn't know because the reason her daughter can't put the pieces together is due to her lack of exposure which is no fault of her own.

After my hair was done, I went to the bathroom to look in the mirror. The floor was wet. Sofia came to the bathroom and joyfully announced to her mom and me that she peed on the floor. I asked Sofia why and she repeated that she peed on the floor. Her mom (due to embarrassment, I'm sure) began asking Sofia why she did that and started chastising her. She asked me for a mop and cleanser to clean the floor. I wondered, "Did Sofia pee on the floor because we have a small drain built into the floor?" "Well, no that can't be the reason because she squatted far away from the drain based on where the floor was wet." "Do they have a toilet in their home? Has she ever seen a toilet? Is it possible that some homes don't have toilets in Santo Domingo - the land of Louis Vutton, high end restaurants, and more car dealerships than any midwestern city I've ever lived?" Sofia's mom was so upset that she kept chastising her until Sofia started crying.

A week later, they returned to my house when our housekeeper was present. I relayed the bathroom story to our housekeeper and she informed me that they probably have a little outhouse and there are still homes without toilets in Santo Domingo. She later confirmed that Sofia didn't live with a toilet in her home because she took her to the bathroom and she didn't know what to do. Our housekeeper had to put her on the toilet.

This bathroom + puzzle experience + the numerous amount of Haitian children ages 4 - 13 begging on the main street near my house really caused me to reflect on how unfair it is for so many children in the world to be robbed of a carefree childhood. A house filled with puzzles, books, hugs, kisses, and encouragement is a no-brainer to me and many others, but to millions of people it is so far from reality that it never enters the imagination of many children. Children should not have to bypass the local playground and stand in the middle of the street walking up to every car stopped at a red light in order to earn their keep or put money in the pockets of adults sitting on the sidelines. They should be sliding down slides, swinging on swings, and playing hide-and-go-seek. I don't have the solution to end injustice, provide running water and proper sewage systems to every household in the world, or stop child trafficking. For now I am satisfied with positively affecting one child at a time - by smiling at Sofia whenever she's over, giving her a hug, sending her home with healthy, yummy snacks, continuing to share our puzzles, and providing her with the opportunity to wash her hands with soap and water each time she visits.

Acts of kindness and prayer are two of my most powerful weapons.

Our 1st Trip to the Beach

Although I'm just now posting this, I've been writing it in my head for a long time - 3 months now. Since the kids are sleeping, now is a good time for me to post in peace. We went to Hemingway beach near Juan Dolio and Boca Chica for the first time a few months ago. I am not a big fan of beaches in general, but since my dear hubby grew up on an island off the Pacific coast of Colombia he would like to go every weekend. After several weeks of promising, we finally packed our cooler with ice, homemade lemonade, sunflower seed butter sandwiches, pineapple, mangos, and papayas one Saturday and headed to Hemingway - a 45 minute drive from Santo Domingo.

Despite my dear hubby's protests, I insisted that we stop by the neighborhood Target-like store and purchase beach umbrellas. I couldn't find any beach umbrellas, so I ended up purchasing two beach tents - one for the little kids and one for the big people. N. David went to the beach with us in tennis shoes, khaki pants, and a t-shirt despite many protests because it is unsafe for him to be left in the city while we're out of town and he needs to get fresh air and spend time doing something other than watching t.v. and playing on the computer on the weekends.

After several wrong-turns, we made it to Hemingway 1.5 hours after leaving the city. Z. Mulenga and K. Amiri were so excited about going to la playa and getting in the water. N. David was busy asking me for money. My dear hubby was excited about being at the beach and introducing Z. Mulenga and K. Amiri to the water for the first time. I was focused on setting up the tents so we could be shielded from the sun and I could lie down and read a book. After 30 minutes of trying to read the half-baked instructions and interpret the pictures, dear hubby was no longer excited - he was irritated. N. David wandered off after a half-hearted attempt to help build the tents, the two little ones were playing with the tent poles, and I was helplessly looking on and offering to help.

The tents were finally put up after 45 minutes and dear hubby joyfully walked toward the water holding Z. Mulenga's and K. Amiri's hands. I must

until 2 minutes later when both children were walking back to the tent with terrified looks on their faces. I felt so bad for my dear hubby that I decided to sit on the water's edge with the children so they would eventually feel more comfortable with the water.

Initially, my presence was good enough for Z. Mulenga but K. Amiri was not convinced that this was the right way to go. We decided to pull the children's tent as close to the water's edge without getting it wet and he sat in it looking stunned. About an hour later, K. Amiri joined Z. Mulenga and I at the water's edge and allowed the waves to hit him while we sat in the sand.

The kids eventually let my dear hubby take them into the water and when it was time to leave, they didn't want to.

As for my oldest child, N. David - he read a book, bought a pizza and refused to share, bought sodas (while I wasn't looking) and as you can see Z. Mulenga was completely shocked to find an empty Fanta bottle (cuz we don't do soda for those that don't know me) and she immediately assumed it was N. David's.

After spending all of his pesos, he played with the extra tent poles, walked around with his shirt off and bright green headphones, and eventually got into the water with his Khaki pants on. Although he was against going to the beach with us, he loved the water so much he stayed in for quite some time.

Date Nights

My dear hubby and I have dreamed of having regular date nights for a long time, but living in the expensive DC area with no family and, breastfeeding and being worn out by 2 children under 4 made our dream a bit unattainable. Now that we've replanted ourselves in the DR, we have been able to go out on dates about once a week. I always heard and read it was really important to have couple time, but I can really feel the difference it makes in our relationship with each other and our darling children. Fortunately for us, Santo Domingo is rich in things to do so since we started going out a couple of months ago, we've managed to go to this great restaurant/lounge called Cafe Pompeiano and dance to a live merengue/salsa band's music twice, the movies to see Salt, Piranhas (not recommended but it was late and nothing else was showing), Ania Paz' Jazz series concert (the music was good but I was exhausted and fell into a deep sleep), and Hooter's (I know I would never go there on a normal day but all the movies already started and the traffic was terrible so we stayed put).

Grocery shopping

As many people who have met me more than once know, food is a very important part of my life. I think and talk about it alot. Now that we're in Santo Domingo, I've been challenged to find organic produce, Oriental spices, or even tortilla bread that is not loaded with extra ingredients (it only takes maiz, lime, and water so the extra BHT, color, and other junk is difficult for me to accept). I know that my lifestyle and career choice requires flexibility on my part and theoretically I was prepared to eat flexibly, however it has been really difficult for me to completely adapt to my environment and until I move faraway to a place that doesn't have the same mail service available to me now, I don't think I will change my eating habits much.

I have given up on finding organic produce and am okay with that because the organic produce that I have found always looks like it should have been thrown in the trash weeks ago and costs a ton of money.

I found two places that sell mock "meat" - a Taiwanese restaurant that sells uncooked food like the stuff I bought at Glut back home and a little vitamin/"health" food shop around the corner from my job.

My mom and sister are willing to shop for me sometimes if I send $$ so I've gotten restocked on sunflower seed butter and nut butters and sea vegetables.

I take advantage of every training opportunity stateside to stock up on stuff like vegan cream, nuts, snacks for the kids, unbleached, unbromated flour, and figs.

And I've found new joy in online shopping - although sometimes the shipping costs make me cringe. I'm able to purchase about 80% of want I need without completely breaking the bank from:

Luckyvitamin.com - homeopathic medicine, nutritional yeast, liquid amino acids, coconut oil

nutsonline.com - spices, cashews, walnuts, almonds, brazil nuts, sesame seeds, flax seeds

We shop for legumes, popcorn, and polenta at the market and get brown rice, veggies, fruit, and oatmeal from the grocery store or from random children riding horses pulling big wagons full of mangos, pineapples, and plantains.

Why don't we shop at the market mostly? Because the prices at the neighborhood Super Target-like grocery store are at least 35% cheaper on Tuesdays.

I would still like to find tortilla chips not cooked with vegetable oil, clif z-bars, coconut oil and pasta mixes for N. David who is not interested in eating like the rest of us.

1st Impression of Santo Domingo

I recall not wanting to live here specifically because of what I’d read about the culture and although my experience here has been fine and we’ve all made friends and met great people, I’m thankful my time here is limited to 2 years for many reasons:
1. Too expensive – Our grocery bill has not been reduced since moving out of DC although our staples are fruit, vegetables, brown rice, legumes and the prices of restaurants rival those in the U.S. Live theatre and concerts cost about the same amount as prices in the midwestern U.S. and even the movie theatre is $7 per person and almost $10 for 3-D movies.

2. It reminds me of U.S. inner-cities – I can walk to McDonalds, Pizza Hut, Baskin Robbins, Dominos, and Burger King from my home + there is a Krispy Kreme in the city. Processed food from the U.S. (chemicals and all) abound. Litter is everywhere and people working in local stores have attitudes and manners just like some of the folk on the west and south side of Chicago, Gary, IN, and Northeast DC.

3. The most evident value-system runs counter to mine and I have a teenager and an impressionable 3.5 year old. Education is not a priority for many parents and this has affected me when I’ve requested a copy of my child’s algebra test and no one ever questioned the teacher’s policy of not sending the completed test home. I have to fight to obtain the tests and no one in the administration seems to understand why it’s important to me. Cars, clothes, hair, nails, and things are really REALLY important. The image of beauty for women excludes the brown-skinned, curly-haired, and demurely dressed. Alcohol is a part of every celebration and even everyday occasions – baby showers, family outings to the beach (I mean drinking INSIDE the water), and Sundays at the playground.

4. Race and color matter – a LOT. N. David and my dear hubby are frequently mistaken for Haitians, which isn’t bad in and of itself but in the DR – Haitians are mistreated and not trusted. One of N. David’s classmates asked him what do you call a Black priest and then told him the answer was Holy Sh#@. Belizeans look strikingly similar to Dominicans and have the wide array of shades, hair textures, and ethnic groups but they do NOT have the same hang-ups. This is our 5th place that we’ve been to in the Latin America and Caribbean region and not the first place that we’ve seen racism, but it is the worst place to experience it.

5. It’s really urban and one of the things I’ve liked about living overseas is the slow pace of small or medium sized towns. The traffic is really REALLY bad here all the time except Sundays and the people do not follow RULES. It’s so bad that I do not drive on any day BUT Sunday. I think living in urban cities is something I just might have to get used to though since I’m no longer traveling on my own and will likely be in capital cities all the time.

Despite the above challenges, I can truthfully end with several positve notes:

1. There is an abundance of pineapples, mangos, avocados, auyama (squash), lettuce (although b/c of cholera our housekeeper doesn’t let us eat it), and papaya and my dear hubby buys all the veggies and fruit on Tuesdays for 35% off the normal prices so we get a pretty good deal. We have two sources of veggie mock meat that my children enjoy.

2. We eat at home alot and I couldn’t seem to do that in the U.S. with ease. M-F someone else prepares our meals and smoothies. We rarely eat processed foods and even make our own raw crackers, salad dressings, raw cookies, ice cream, live cheeses, and yummy desserts.

3. The proximity to the U.S. and the influence of the North American culture make it easy for me to purchase either online or locally many of the things we need like extra virgin olive oil, raw pecans, almonds and walnuts, tvp.

4. We’re able to go out on dates every week.

5. I pay $15 to get my hair twisted in my home.

6. I can afford to send Z. Mulenga to a good preschool where she’s treated with love.

7. N. David has been having a really positive social experience.

8. My dear hubby is in a fantastic English school taking classes every day and that wasn’t possible at home.

9. The weather is good and the closest nice beach is 45 minutes away.

10. My children are finally becoming fully bilingual.

I have much to be thankful for here in Santo Domingo and although I listed my grievances against the city above, I recognize that my family is very fortunate.

Police Brutality Unchecked

One evening coming back from the Malecón (place on the sea where people hang out & listen to music or eat) in a part of town where lots of hotels for tourists are and we found ourselves in a traffic jam. In front of the Hilton hotel and on a major thru street were three policemen and a citizen interrogating and beating this young man. It didn’t matter that they were blocking traffic and for many passersby, the incident didn’t seem to faze them either. In our car, however, N. David and I stared wide-eyed with open mouths. It was UNBELIEVABLE. The young man was on the ground with a swollen eye and he kept holding up his wallet and saying, “yo soy un trabajador - no he hecho nada” = I’m a laborer and I haven’t done anything. This didn’t stop one officer from stuffing his boot in his mouth or the others from raising their batons. The most incredulous thing was that the police allowed the citizen to hold him by his neck and continue telling the young man to callate or shut up. After about 10 minutes, two other types of police came to the scene on 1 motorcycle, picked the guy up (no handcuffs) and drove off. The other 3 police and the citizen scrambled to quickly follow them. My dear hubby said they were on their way to finish the job and kill him. I truly HOPE that was not the outcome but I was bothered by what I had seen for days afterward. For those unfamiliar with the DR, there are several different police – the military, national police, transit police, and tourist police. It is also important to note that my dear hubby was telling us to stop staring and he didn’t seem surprised at all by the violence. He is from a country where the same thing happens on a regular basis so for him this is business as usual.

I know that police brutality takes place in the U.S. as well and there have been lots of innocent victims I’m sure; however, there is a justice system in the U.S. that allows citizens and residents to formally complain and take their aggressors to criminal and civil court. There is recourse and that is huge – there is no recourse here for Dominicans.

How hard is it to be a compassionate employer?

Since moving to the DR, we hired a housekeeper to cook, clean, and help out with K. Amiri 1/2 days for 5 days per week and stay late 1-2 nights a week so dear hubby and I can go out. Our preference is to have a date on a weekend night and her preference is to spend her weekend with her husband and daughter and stay late during the week. Our preference was to stay out late on Thanksgiving night, but she planned to cook dinner for her family as she has been doing every year for the past 5 years. The Dominican law dictates all employees earn a Christmas bonus every year, but we’re meeting extra financial obligations for the next two months. Our housekeeper prefers not to work with young children since her specialty is cooking and cleaning and little people require lots of work and energy, but we prefer to pay one person only and keep costs low AND make sure our young son is happy.

My initial and subsequent reactions were to get what I want and ignore my employee’s needs. I went through a mental process that involved reminding myself of the struggles that many people have against companies, remembering injustices at companies where I’ve worked, and asking myself if I’m really in favor of work/life balance. The reality is that many of us believe in the idea of work/life balance and employers treating their employees humanely, but it is easy for us to passionately promote these ideals whenever we are the victims or the people at risk for being victims of demanding corporate policies and/or bosses. In my experience here in the DR, I was surprised at my initial desire to disregard my employee’s need to spend time with her family for my own preference to go out on Saturdays instead of Thursdays. I ultimately decided to have dates on Thursdays, hire someone else for Thanksgiving night, and hire additional person to exclusively dedicate themselves to K. Amiri after reflecting on my value system and discussing the issue with my dear hubby. I am determined to remain human in all my employer/ employee relationships.